Relationship Secrets

The Bride and the Groom are like two equal wings of a bird

91. Relationship principles for an amazing marriage!

"We are the flowers of one garden, the waves of one sea." Baha'u'llah

The Bride and the Groom are like two equal wings of a bird. Both are essential for the bird to take flight. Imagine the flight of a bird with one wing overpowering the other.

Strive for this attitude as the ideal in communication. The closer to a perfect balance, the more perfect and more powerful the union.

A prayer for unity:

"O Thou kind Lord! Thou hast created all humanity from the same original parents. Thou hast intended that all belong to the same household. In Thy Holy Presence they are Thy servants and all mankind are sheltered beneath Thy Tabernacle. All have gathered at Thy table of bounty and are radiant through the light of Thy providence. O god! Thou art kind to all, Thou has provided for all, Thou dost shelter all, Thou dost confer life upon all. Thou hast endowed all with talents and faculties; all are submerged in the ocean of Thy mercy. O Thou kind Lord! unite all, let the religions agree, make the nations one so that they may be as one kind and as children of the same fatherland. May they associate in unity and concord. O God! upraise the standard of the oneness of humankind. O God! establish the Most Great Peace. Cement the hearts together, O God! O Thou kind Father, God! exhilarate the hearts through the fragrance of thy love; brighten the eyes through the light of Thy guidance; cheer the hearing with the melodies of Thy Word and shelter us in the cave of Thy providence. Thou art the Might and Powerful! Thou art the Forgiving and Thou art the One Who overlookest the shortcomings of humankind. - 'Abdu'l-Baha

There are three elements that must exist for a marriage to be successful: These are spiritual connection, comparability and physical attraction.

1. Remember that one cannot change another! Especially not after marriage. If one tries to force change upon the other person, it will strain out a marriage faster than can be believed. A person will only change when they want to and want to only when motivated by positive reinforcement.

2. Opposites sometimes attract but do not make comparable partners. Let me explain it like this. In order to be comparable couples should be similar in that each can agree and see life in a similar way, and have goals that move in the same direction, and ideals that are the same. For instance, strawberries and ice cream compliment each other. They are different but together they enhance the flavor of each other. Together they add spice to life, add interest and more excitement. This is what to look for comparability. When couples have similar goals, ideals, etc. the two people can blend together like a strawberry milkshake. Not lemon and ice cream. These are opposites. That does not imply that either is bad but opposites. I.E. Their ideals, goals, nature, temperament are not compatible, do not agree, do not compliment each other, and will cause conflict and disunity.

With opposites, one soon tries to change the other to match their expectations and character. Couples must love and accept each other for what each are, and cherish their ideals, their beliefs, their dreams and their goals which should be similar to yours. It is their good character that will continue to create love as the years go by. Having common interests is not enough alone, but great if couples also share similar beliefs and goals and can communicate well and have spiritual and physical attraction. Many marriages are based only upon common interests and physical attraction and never find true love and eternal affiliation.

3. Being able to communicate with each other easily, is the number one determiner/characteristic of successful marriages, as everyone has problems, and those who can consult on how to deal with those problems, will be together years from now. Too often, people fall in love when they are having fun or sex, but fail to learn about each other's character. Activities like movies, dinners, dancing, where the focus is on having fun, and not on getting to know each other, are not usually good opportunities to learn about the other's true character. Working together is a better demonstrator of character. If couples can work together well, it is one good sign.

A relationship is of no benefit if one cannot learn from the other. The best relationship, and I think an equal relationship, is one in which both partners can learn from the other. This does not mean it comes out equal every day, but rather that each can help and learn from the other in a more or less equal way.

4. Marriages can be heaven or hell. The right choice of a partner determines the quality of the rest of your life. So make sure that your characters compliment each other. Nobody is perfect. Do each of you love the good qualities enough to overlook the bad? But that doesn't mean that couples should put up with verbal or physical abuse. From the beginning of a relationship, it's important to establish that disrespecting another's rights is not acceptable behavior that, by being assertive in a courteous way to protect one's rights. If you value yourself, the other person will not be so likely to show disrespect to you. Get to know each others character really well.

Try to apply the word EQUAL. Does that define your relationship?

5. It takes time to get to know someone's character. Couples that feel something is wrong, or are unsure, can always wait a little longer. This is your most important decision. If one buys a house or a car, they first make a thorough inspection.

6. People study math to learn how to make financial decisions. People are trained to drive a car. But did you study how to be married, how to communicate, how to make joint decisions? While your love is strong and preferably before marriage, attend a marriage workshop or read some good books on the subject. Don't make the mistake of waiting until your marriage is strained out before you realize you don't know the principles needed to have a successful marriage. Don't blame the other person, just start studying preferably before marriage. Marriage must be based upon the correct principles. Couples should pick up some of this from ideal parents. But who has ideal parents? Even parents are imperfect.

7. Communication: Never ever criticize your partner! This is one of the most often mistakes Brides and Grooms make in an attempt to get the other person to change and conform to their expectations. If you need to, offer a suggestion offer it in a positive way, something like this " You are doing terrific! I like… I think that you might be able to improve it even more by ......." Criticism is negative and causes confrontation or withdrawal. Couples don't want their lovers to withdraw their love! Insults are a definite killer. Just watch the Love Game on TV. Most couples on that show immediately begin to insult the other, then the other responds in like. Do not marry someone who does not truly respect you. You can prevent your partner from stonewalling and stubbornly holding on to their own point of view, by presenting your point of view in a way that is non threatening, courteous, without criticism, and respectful to their point of view.

8. One of the most positive influences in a marriage, when your partner does something nice for you or gives you a gift of love, always be sure to show appreciation, even if it’s not something that you really want. Remember that the value is in the love which it was given to you. Find out what someone needs in their life… this is the way… then

9. If you do not know the rules of positive reinforcement, or use them. Stop! Don't do anything else. Buy a book on positive reinforcement "Don't Shoot the Dog" or some other, and study it. Negative reinforcement destroys most marriages faster than you would believe.

10. If you are easily offended, that is just as bad as offending someone. Both start a negative circle of energy, just in the same way that one insult leads to another.

11. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all human. When you see a mistake in your partner, remember how many imperfections you have. If you don't see your own imperfections and focus on others mistakes, you will be constantly criticizing on controlling the other person. Get to know your own faults better than your partners.

12. When you make a mistake, apologize, try your best to correct the mistake, and think how you improve. Never say "That was wrong, bad," or make negative comments or criticisms". Offer your suggestions in a positive way "What you have done is very good. You can even make it even better by.."

13. Life is full of trials, which we either pass or fail at, with their purpose to teach us, and to smooth off the rough edges of our character. See your partner with the eyes of forgiveness and compassion, not with arrogance and contempt.

14. A temporary friend is someone with whom you have a material / physical connection and share only common interests. A true everlasting love is with someone whom you share spiritual ideals, goals, and you see within each other heavenly characteristics and are attracted by them in love. This is spiritual connection and eternal. Though you haven't seen a person for years, it will be like the love has increased, with one whom you have spiritual connection and ideal communication.

15. Anyone can be happy with everything going their way, but when someone is happy even under difficult conditions, that is the sign of true nobility.

16. Having both spiritual connection and physical connection is the goal of marriage. Once you have spiritual and physical attraction, make sure that you are compatible in your life style, temperament, and personality. You can love everyone, but marry only one with whom you are compatible.

A prayer for marriage:

"Glory be unto Thee, O my God! Verily, this Thy servant and this Thy maid-servant have gathered under the shadow of Thy mercy and they are united through Thy favor and generosity. O Lord! Assist them in this Thy world and Thy Kingdom and destine for them every good through Thy bounty and grace. O Lord! Confirm them in Thy servitude and assist them in Thy service. Suffer them to become the signs of Thy Name in Thy world and protect them through Thy bestowals which are inexhaustible in this world and the world to come. O Lord! They are supplicating toward the Kingdom of Thy mercifulness and invoking toward the realm of Thy singleness. Verily they are married in obedience to Thy command. Cause them to become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time. Verily Thou art Omnipotent, the Omnipresent and the Almighty! - 'Abdu'l-Baha

"Wherefore, wed Thou in the heaven of Thy mercy these two birds of the nest of Thy love, and make them the means of attracting perpetual grace; that from the union of these two seas of love a wave of tenderness may surge and cast the pearls of pure and goodly issue on the shore of life. 'He hath let loose the two seas, that they meet each other: Between them is a barrier which they overpass not.' " - 'Abdu'l-Baha

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